I have no idea what's occurin...

ok - so please excuse the lack of any consistency with my ramblings - but that's just how my brain works.

So - lets have an update on the last 3 weeks of my life to bring everyone right up to the here & now!

After much deliberation (these decisions don't come easily!) I decided that I no longer wanted to be with my fiance of 9 years with whom I own a house, 2 dogs, and lots of special memories & experiences.

I'm pretty sure that my dad has decided that I woke up on a monday morning & decided life needed to be more exciting so I thought I'd end the relationship for no apparent reason. Little does he know that I have been thinking about it for some time, and that if he wasn't a typical emotionally vacant male I would have discussed these thoughts with him at some point.

But since my dad glides thorugh life without too much aggro (mostly by burying his head in the sand) then he didn't (and still doesn't) get why I'm doing this. I can't begin to tell you the utter dissapointment I feel not to have his support through this - but that's another story.

I decided not to settle for what I had - even tho in most people's eyes it was happiness personified. Yes, he is a lovely guy & would literally do anything for me, we've had the best of times (and some tough ones too) but what if that just isn't enough for me?

What if he doesn't make me laugh - I love people who can make me laugh, it's an essential part of how I am - my make up says that I have find humour in even the worst of situations. Coping mechanism? Maybe, or maybe I just love to laugh.

What if he doesn't give me the confidence I need? He doesn't - instead he sucks every last bit of it out of me. Why? Beucause he lacks self confidence & that has a major effect on our dynamics as a couple.

What if i'm bored & I've just simply run out of 'us'? We have been through so much & yet I want to talk to him about everything & anything = my fiance becoming my best friend, which is brilliant! But doesn't there also need to be something more than that to decide to spend your entire life dedicated to someone? I say yes, right or wrong that's just how I feel.

Is there someone else involved? NO. And I find it infuriating that this is the first question my dad decided to ask me once he'd been told the news. Why aren't people allowed to do what's best for them as an indivual without having a better alternative to go to? And in 9 years I have been faithful so why would I decide that now is the time to change that?

Also the fact that I am breaking my best friends heart by leaving him was enough for me to cope with - I don't need the added complication of destroying him & clouding my own judgment by involving another person.

Have I done the right thing? Who knows - if I had the answer I would share it with you but I'm still wndering myself. I have lived out of a suitcase at various friends houses since I made the decision - so I'm hardly sitting pretty surrounded by roses & bird song.

Did it hurt? YES. Like hell, it still hurts now. It probably will always hurt but i'm hoping that it dies down as times goes on. This decision wasn't entirely a selfish one - I have considered the fact that I could have stayed, gone with the easy option & lived my supposedly rosey life. But that really isn't fair on him. How can you be in a relationship with someone who you know isn't happy? You're always trying to please them, but no matter what you do - it doesn't work. That's exhausting & everntually it would have ended in bitter arguements & an irrepairable fall out.

At least we can still be civilised to each other .

The future? Well - I know that I have no idea what the future has in store for either of us. For him, I hope it brings love, hapiness, self assurance & everything that I couldn't give.

For me - I'm scared & excited in equal measure about what may happen, who I'll meet along the way, discovering myself, adventures, new friends, amazing life experiences - the list could go on and on.

But at the moment all of those things are on hold until I have a break from the tail chasing, the constant thinking, the never ending doubt about my decision making skills!

I'm so lucky to have realised who my true friends are through this & I am not a religious person - but thank any & every lord there is that I have had them there to lean on - otherwise this could have been a very different chapter in my life.

Some poeple have dissapointed me, but I know that this only teaches me a lesson about where to turn when I need support, and where to turn when I just need a coffee & a meaningless chat.

Some people have amazed me & restored my faultering belief that good people in this world are not an endangered species.

Fears? Many - too many infact, a few of which are realising this whole thing could be the biggest mistake i've ever made. The fear that I will never find someone to love me inside & out for who I am like he did. The fear that I am going to get hurt along the way (unfortunately I feel this one is ineivitable) but I guess I'm lucky to know that my friends will still be there to guide me throught the bad bits, as well as hopfully share the good bits, funny bits, and all the other bits that we come across on the journey.

So that pretty much brings my ramblings to now - i'm sitting in one of my bestest friends garden complete with tea and my netbook - typing away as fast as my fingers will keep up with my brain. This morning was an unsettled, doubt-filled and frankly annoying start to the day. On the upside, we are going out for a few drinks tonight & I hope that I can relax, give some much overdue attention to the people who I have neglected whilst being wrapped up in my own little bubble of issues. I also need to remember how to be a person in my own right, not half of a couple who come as a package - that's going to be strange :)

I'll keep updating my findings as I head off on this little journey - stick with me, some of it will be pretty mundane, some of it will be exciting, but all of it will be from my heart.

Be happy in yourself & love your close friends no matter what - they will always be the ones who pick you up when you need it the most

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I wish a million things...

Wishing is fab isn't it? It's like making excuses for all the things you didn't do, are too scared to do, won't ever be able to do - but if you wish it makes it kinda fluffy & ok?

In my lifetime I have / will probably wished a million things, some things trivial,some ridiculous, some things deep & meaningful.

Here are a few of those wishes in no particular order...

I wish that I'd gone to glastonbury this year
I wish that I'd gone travelling
I wish I'd finished university
I wish I could have more self belief
I wish I had my parents uncompromising love
I wish I could be more driven
I wish I knew myself & what I want
I wish I didn't have to rely on others to get me through
I wish I wasn't so complicated
I wish I could be an actual disney princess for the day
I wish I could do things because I want to not because I have to
I wish things that were good for you tasted lovely
I wish that crisps could be one of your recommended 5 a day

Some of those things sounds selfish but I'm in a place where I feel like I've never given myself my full attention & it's time for that to happen - it could even result in some of those wishes coming true! Who knows what the future holds, its daunting but I think it's gonna be ok ☺

xxx

today...

today has gone off track a bit :0/

but its not all bad, and it means i get time to sit here & have a little think about stuff while i type away to....? :)

since my plans have changed I should really make the most of a day off but I just want to be a lazy bones and stay here with a cuppa - its too easy (go away guilt!)

plans for the next month - sort my life out.

i'm not being funny but im nearer 30 than 20 now and man how life looks different already! why didn't someone tell me to travel, be wild, love every minute of ur youth? they probably did, but i'm sure i knew everything so i wudnt have listened anyway i guess :)

is it ever too late to change ur mind about the path ur heading down? even if ur not sure things will ever be this good again? should we just put up with what we've got if its good, even though it doesn't make us happy? or does just the grass just always seem greener on the other side?

I have so many never ending questions rolling around in my brain that I seriously fear i'll be 60 and still have no answers, still be sitting here wandering what to do.

answers on a postcard guys - all fabulous suggestions welcome from daydreamers & realists alike :0) xxxx